


what you always wanted

by peachsneakers



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Analodemus, Cuddling, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Morally Neutral Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Morally Neutral Deceit Sanders, Multi, Self-Harm, Self-Worth Issues, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22342168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachsneakers/pseuds/peachsneakers
Summary: Logan's fine. Really.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Dark Creativity | Remus Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Comments: 22
Kudos: 237





	what you always wanted

**Author's Note:**

> from an anon prompt on tumblr: "Logan slf/hms but does it in a non 'traditional' way (if you don't mind me being specific, biting, it doesn't leave marks that last more than an hour) so he feels like he doesn't desrve to call it s/h (if you don't mind analoceit/analodemus; maybe one of his boyfriends does more 'traditional' s/h (like cutting) so he feels even more like he doesn't deserve to feel like it's bad) and then soft comfort with the boyf(s)"
> 
> song lyrics are from icon for hire "under the knife"

_But you couldn't hide, a heart made of glass_   
_You pull yourself together with all the strength you had_   
_You were finally fed up, up, up_   
_Finally had to scream enough-nough-nough_

Logan looks down at his hand and sighs. Teeth marks stand out prominently on the side of his finger, the flesh between raised and painful white-pink. The rest of it is reddened and throbs the more he looks at it.

_Pathetic,_ he berates himself. _Completely illogical. And you want to call this...what? A momentary lapse in judgment? That's all it is. It's not like_ -

His mind shies away from the phrase 'self harm.' That isn't for the likes of him. The likes of this. He frowns at the fading teeth marks in his skin. His boyfriends- _They_ self harm. Virgil uses razor blades for thin red lines and copic markers to draw butterflies. Remus hits the back of his head into the wall to a staccato rhythm only he can hear when his intrusive thoughts become too much, when Virgil and Dee show up on Logan's doorstep, Remus hanging between them like a sack of discarded laundry. Deceit goes days without eating when he hits one of his lows, and Logan has done enough reading to know that disordered eating is a form of self harm at the base.

But this? This is nothing. This is- this is child's play compared to the real issues that his boyfriends suffer with. He knows that they wouldn't laugh at him if he mentioned it, but how could they take him- _this_ \- seriously? The marks didn't even last an hour!

"I'm being irrational," he speaks out loud. The cracked sound startles him. It sounds as if he is near tears. When he touches his face, his fingertips come away wet. But that is ridiculous as well, isn't it? He studies his finger critically, rubs his thumb over the still painful flesh. 

"Lo?" Deceit's soft voice breaks the silence, and Logan jumps, hiding his hand beneath the desk like a guilty secret.

"Dee," Logan says, and is proud of how even the word has come out. His back is to his boyfriend. Perhaps Deceit won't notice-

"Why are you crying?" Logan's shoulders slump. So much for that hope. He swallows hard, willing the traitorous drops of moisture to disappear.

"It is nothing," he finally says. "A momentary aberration. Ignore it."

"I don't think I will," Dee says. "Lo, what is it? What's wrong?"

"You'll laugh at me," Logan says thickly. "All of you, it's-" He swallows again, dismayed to realize that his vision has gone blurry.

"Should the others be here?" Deceit asks. Logan nods wordlessly. He can't believe what he's about to say, but he knows that there's no way he can say it more than once. Besides, if he waits too long, the evidence will be gone, vanished as if it's never happened in the first place. (And isn't that the point?)

Two rushes of displaced air signal the arrival of Virgil and Remus, and Logan's shoulders sag as he turns his chair to face them. It feels like he is arriving to face a firing squad.

"Lo Lo?" Remus asks, eyes wide in concern. "You're crying."

"Thank you for stating the obvious, cephy," Logan says, the nickname taking all sting out of his words. "I- Er-" He holds his hand out instead, displaying the fading teeth marks in the side of his finger. The others study his finger while he waits, already tensed for the derogatory remarks. After all, this is _nothing_ , he should be _better_ than this, he should-

"How often do you bite yourself like this?" Deceit asks instead, taking all the wind out of his sails. He blinks at him in stupefaction.

"I- At least once a day," Logan manages to respond. Remus makes a low whimper of distress and Virgil looks like he's on the brink of tears.

"How long have you been hurting yourself, Lo?" Virgil asks.

"This is- this isn't really _hurting_ myself," Logan protests. "It's just-" He shrugs, unable to classify it.

"Looks like hurting yourself to me," Remus declares. He sticks a finger in his mouth and bites down. "Yup," he says, a moment later. "Definitely hurting yourself."

"Remus, please don't bite yourself," Deceit rebukes gently. "I, too, would like to know how long you have been self-harming, Logan, if you're up to telling us. I want to support you. We all do."

"But- It disappears so quickly," Logan protests. " _You_ \- all of you self harm. This is nothing, it's just-"

"Self harm," Virgil fills in softly. "Lo, just because you don't get lasting marks doesn't mean it isn't. What's the definition of self harm?"

"Anything that hurts you, I presume," Logan says, mostly on autopilot. "Cutting and burning are two of the most common ways, but there are many other ways that people use to-"

"Like biting?" Deceit suggests. Logan falls silent.

"How long?" Virgil quietly repeats.

"I don't know," Logan admits. "It's been so long, I just-" Tears blur his vision and he impatiently scrubs them away with the back of his hand.

"We're here," Deceit says, gently pulling Logan to his feet and guiding him to his bed. The others follow, until he's entangled in a cuddle pile that he never wants to be free from.

"We want to help you," Virgil says. "Always."

"We love you," Remus puts in. "You gotta tell us when you need help, Lo Lo. We can't help you if you don't tell us."

"It's hard," Logan whispers, sniffling. Deceit pulls off his gloves and cards his fingers through Logan's hair, soothing him.

"I know it is," Deceit says. "It will be hard. But we'll help you get through it. I promise."

A tentative smile brushes Logan's mouth.

"Thank you," he says.


End file.
